history for slutz

I hope whatever douchebag is responsible for the banning of boozy brunches has entered into the Witness Protection Program, because I personally can name a baker’s dozen of hungover slutz running around Brooklyn with their shanking devices at this exact moment, lookin’ to castrate a bitch. (I just Googled if you can castrate a woman – sources say no – whatever).

Part of me (like 6%) feels bad for the chick, cuz I figure there’s gotta be some crazy sad explanation as to why this gremlin has a personal vendetta against boozy brunches - like was her dad was tragically killed by eggs benedict and a bloody mary or some shit? But the other 98% of me says fuck it, homegirl deserves everything she has coming – after all, she just had to go and ruin the one stable thing in every bitches 20’s.

For all you vaginas out there who don’t know what I’m talking about, let me give you a brief history of the events leading up to the banning of boozy brunches in New York.*

*All of the events detailed below are entirely factual and were researched in great depth (ha, not).

Boozy Brunch (n): The holy grail for twig bitches who only consume kale Monday through Friday, and then drink/eat all the calories they missed out on all week in one glorious weekend morning (afternoon) display of their fucked-upedness, all while hiding behind giant sunglasses and pretending to be important.

Enter Sue*, aforementioned Douchebag and the future villain of our story.

*The names in this article have been changed to fuggly ass names because no one knows/cares what the slutz' real names were.

Sue used to be a skinny bitch who engaged in biweekly boozy brunches. Then Sue took the whole unlimited mimosas thing a little too far, and drunk-ate her own weight in breakfast burritos. Before long, Sue found herself hardcore FUPA-ing, and realized it was time for a diet.

Now, everyone who’s ever been on a diet knows that the cardinal rule is to drop all your friends, and fast. Because obviously your friends want you to be fat (so they can look awesome in comparison). See, whe

et you pay 30 bucks for unlimited booze, then you can just buy yourself one Bellini at a time, an unlimited amount of times, until you black the fuqq out and have to be Ubered home.

Hope the diet's going well, Sue! I'd be bitter too if I had cankles. xo

*** REALLY FUCKING IMPORTANT ADDENDUM ***

"...There is a limited exception in [Section 117-A] when the service of alcohol is incidental to the event, such as in the case of certain brunch specials." -SLA Rep

Despite the fact that this sounds like a law some cool SLA Rep pulled out of his ass, all we have to say is

Suck it, Sue.

xo again