do you lyft, bruh?

Remember prehistoric times when bitches used to actually have to put effort into getting their drunk asses from one place to the next? Luckily for modern day slutz, the days of hailing cabs are dead and gone. In their place is a transportation system trendy enough for the Olsen twins (but really, now that we've seen MK's new grandfather husband, a fuggin horse and buggy would be trendy enough for the Olsen twins...)

Say goodbye to the days of having to wave your twig arm in the air to hail a cab, and say hello to the hottest pink mustaches in town (unless, of course, all drivers in your area are currently busy, in which case it's time to cuddle-up with your dot-not-feathered brethren) The era of cabs was a very frightening period, indeed, and we're (not) sorry to see it go. But as we part with these dark-ages, let us look back and remember some of the good times we shared...

May 24, 2010. The night begins at your place, where you blast Miley Cyrus anthems and pound as many shots as humanly possible. After you've hit your absolute limit, you take 3 more...because fuck if you're gonna face a sea of potential suitors without a strong dose of liquid courage and a pair of ridiculously thick, judgment-impairing beer goggles. Time to head out. But to catch a cab, you can't just stand on any old neighborhood corner. It’s time to drag that fine ass of yours to some major cross streets. The journey is short, but considering the number of casualties along the way, you'd think this shit was the Oregon Trail. Eventually, everyone that actually matters makes it, and the Hunger Games begin – all you have to do is shoot a couple of judgmental glares and maybe rip the extensions out of some bitch's hair, and that cab is yours… By the time you finally catch a cab, the bad-idea-booze are in full-effect, so you convince yourself it's a good idea to sit in the front seat (you know, cuz you qualify according to the 80-pounds-to-ride-shotty law and shit, so it's totally fucking allowed). But your cab driver is apparently not up to date with really basic legal shit. His judgment burns through your soul, but only half as much as the smell of the curry leaking from his car seats burns through your nostrils. You finally arrive at the bar, smelling like you just ran a fuckin' marathon (transitive property, obvi) and you whip out daddy’s credit card to pay your excessively high fare. "Only cash.” Are you fuggin kidding me, DICKFACE? I'm staring at your effing credit-card swipey machine as we speak. If you're trying to evade taxes or some bullshit, I cannot support that. But your cab driver is unmoved by your strongly worded and only moderately persuasive argument for why you must pay in cash, and drags you kicking and screaming to the nearest ATM. You think the nightmare's finally over, until he finally pulls away and you realize you totez left your cellphone in the cab. But by the time you cancel your phone plan, dude's been rolling calls to the homeland for hours, meaning your phone bill is through the fucking roof, meaning your parents hate you, meaning your replacement phone is totally gonna be a Droid (boner-kill).

Moral of the story? We are all gonna really fucking miss taking cabs everywhere. (JK, fuck you sir. I want my phone back.) So today we give thanks. Thanks to the lazy-as-fuck bitches who invented a transportation system for the truly impatient. Thanks to the total cliché of stubble-faced man-slutz who have sacrificed their lives to drive hot bitches around town. Thanks to the fact that at any time, day or night, we know we can request a ride from a generally bone-able (iiiif you're totally trashed and have no perception of reality) and nice (read: boring) dude with a totally-pronounceable name like Kevin, Mike, or Chris. Thanks to the fact that no matter how much of a hot mess we are, no matter how much of their candy we eat, and no matter what shameful place (or person) we have requested a ride to, these men will still insist on bumping fists (and also probably bumping uglies) with us. Here's to you, Lyft. For helping me keep my hailing arm thin, my sugar levels high, my ego inflated, and my clothes not smelling like curry. I owe you a really great tip (but I won’t actually tip you because you’ll never know if I do). Cheers, bitch. xo

#Lyft #uber #sidecar #driving #cabs #OlsenTwins #MaryKate