never trust a bitch with bad brows

Who ever says that the Bachelor franchise does not produce any lasting results has clearly not had the distinct privilege of seeing Carly’s new eyebrows on Bachelor in Paradise. Kudos to the producer who decided that Carly’s eyebrows were single handedly destroying her love life! Plain and simple, no man could ever love a woman with brows like Carly’s OGs. But YAY now Carly has normal brows in BIP so obvi she immediately found love on episode 1 and is just chillin in Mexico now. Happy for you, Carls (but not after reading the finale spoilers, YIKES).

A wise man or maybe Beyonce(?) said it best...never trust a bitch with bad eyebrows.

Now let’s be clear, because I’m not here to offend anyone. I’m not saying ALL girls with shitty brows are inherently bad people. I’m just saying...the majority.

Though all are offensive in their own unique way, not all eyebrow tragedies are created equal. Let’s break it down.

The Unibrow:

There is really just no excuse for this one, unless you’re like, under the age of 10 and have no power to fix the situation. Maybe with some other eyebrow faux pas there is an issue of miscommunication...bad technique...people being really fucking stupid...I don’t know. But nothing excuses a straight up unibrow. No. Because, nowhere, ever, in the history of the universe (except, like, Frida Kahlo, but she is just famous for being fugly anyways) has anyone said that unibrows are okay. There is, therefore, no reason anyone should think this.

The Way-Too-Thin And/Or Arched Brow:

Okay...I must admit that I feel a bit more compassion for this category of sub-human. It’s not like they’re just lazy AF like the unibrow folk. When you think about it, it’s actually really fucking sad, because these people are like, ACTIVELY designing their eyebrows to look like a misplaced strand of hair glued horizontally on their face. Like seriously, some poor girl is sitting at home, looking in the mirror at her almost-normal eyebrows that maybe need some minimal plucking, and she says to herself “I’m going to fix my eyebrows!” Then...she proceeds to go fucking CRAZY, ousting 95% of her brows and leaving behind a heinous disaster, barely visible to the human eye. If it is a one time mistake and, I don’t know, maybe you like Kimmy Schmidt-ed your whole life and finally got released and are just learning how to pluck your eyebrows for the first time and fucked up and now it’s just going to take a little while to fix...okay, I FORGIVE YOU. And I’m really sorry that you were locked away your whole life in a doomsday cult. That’s pretty shitty and you totez did not deserve that, even if your eyebrows do suck. But if this is something that you are intentionally maintaining because you think it looks good...PLEASE STOP.

The Invisible Eyebrow:

Dear Gingers,

Please tint your fucking eyebrows. And eyelashes. You are scary.

Love, Me.

And hey, if you can’t manage any of these solutions, I actually know a pretty popular 7th grader who recently shaved off all of her eyebrows. So maybe just go for that option.

#brows #eyebrows #Bachelor #unibrow