why juice cleanses are fucking stupid

You know how sometimes (all the time) you drink so much whiskey/tequila/vodka that you're laying on your side, the world spinning around you, and you're like holy shit, I might actually die from this? But then you never do actually die from it? Yeah. It's this crazy cool medical phenomenon called...A LIVER. Why the hell do you think we have livers and kidneys, for fuckin shits and giggles? For Christ's sake, we basically have a fucking built-in juice cleanse in our effing bodies. So wake up, all you cleansers: whoever told you that cleanses are vital for ridding your body of toxins and inspiring you to do hot yoga and shit (or whatever exactly it is you think you're doing) thinks you are a gullible idiot and gets off on watching you suffer.

I first realized how stupid juice cleanses were when my roommates decided they wanted to lose like 15 pounds in 7 days (cuz that makes total sense) before Spring Break. They decided to go on some fuqqin stupid cleanse that I'm pretty sure one of them hand plucked out of another one's tush hole. Basically, for a week, they weren't allowed to let anything touch their lips but this weird drank made of water, lemon, a freakishly expensive equivalent to maple syrup, and cayenne pepper (and their dude's D, obvi). I didn't keep written track of everything that happened over the course of these 7 days, but I'm pretty sure if I had, it would have read exactly like this (with little to no exaggeration): Day One. The cleanse is a go. So far, so good...except for the fact that they're all wearing workout clothes even though they have absolutely no intention of working out. I really hate when people do that, because then I'm like, shit, everyone else in the world is working out, and here I am rolling around in sweatpants, eating pop chips and watching the Kardashians on E (the network and also possibly the illegal substance). I don't like to feel inferior to the world simply because I am not wearing an unnecessary pair of Lululemons so I can seem more fit than I really am. But, hey...it's Day 1. Whatever makes them feel more cleansed. Day Two. I enthusiastically greet my roommates with a friendly "good morning." No one responds. BYE... Day Three. Ok, by now shit has literally begun to hit the fan. Seriously, you can't get one word in with these fuqqin demon bitches without them silently reaching over and ripping a wad of hair out of your head. They're also completely delusional and will tell you and everyone else that the cleanse is going great and they've already lost 5 pounds. Whatever you do, do no even think about telling them that it's actually been factually proven that what they've lost is just water weight and they will gain it back the second they start eating again. Seriously, don't bring it up. They will throw a plugged-in toaster into your bath or find some other way to pay you back tenfold. Put nothing past these bitches on Day Three. Day Four. Roomie #1 just died. JK she didn't die. But she basically is gonna die soon, so she quits and goes to In N' Out. Now she's probably just made herself fatter than when she started this bullshit cleanse. It's okay Roomie #1, you tried! Everyone else hates you now because you're a quitter. Except for me, I love you cuz you brought me Animal Style fries! Day Five. Roomie #2, down. Day Six. Roomie #3, last one standing. Her eyes look like she’s been snorting coke out of someone's b-crack for the past 50 hours straight. They’re somehow simultaneously soulless and fucking possessed. Maybe it’s the cayenne pepper? But I’ve gotta say, bitch looks skinny as fuck. So whenever she walks in the room, I put Sarah McLaughlin in my earbuds and I get to feel like I'm watching one of those TV commercials about starving puppies and African babies or whatever. I can’t wait for her to cave and eat some real food, so she can immediately go back to looking exactly the same as she did before. Day Seven. No one has seen our little Biggest Loser today. Maybe she got so skinny that we literally can't see her!? Ope, nope, there she is. Grumpy as fuck, a little extra cayenne powder floating around her nasal region from slopping snorting. Roomies #1 and #2 are betching to each other about how fuqqin expensive that maple syrup was while they stuff their faces with Subway footlongs (they think they're being healthy, but lolz cuz Subway bread is totz made of yoga mat). Biggest Loser does NOT like their conversation. So she glares at them and pours some more of that boujie maple syrup in her drink and goes off to weigh herself and snort some more cayenne pepper off a dude's peewee. Aftermath. The Biggest Loser survived the hell-cleanse and lost her fuqqin 15 pounds in 7 days. She still brags about how she felt so energized and cleansed afterwards, but everyone just laughs at her behind her back cuz we all watched that idiot bitch drink nothing but maple syrup for 7 days straight, and there aint nothin cleansing about maple syrup. Anyways, by the time Spring Break rolled around, she basically looked exactly the same as before she started. xo

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