where are all the good guys hiding?

I recently overheard some slutz discussing why all the crazy betches of the world have normal boyfriends, while "nice, normal, slightly quirky" girls, like them (lolz), have trouble securing anything more serious than the occasional 3am dick pic. Now first off, let me be clear. These girls were far from what I'd categorize as "normal," and the only "nice" thing about them was that one time they vacationed with Daddy in that homograph of a country in France. If we were looking at an Amanda Bynes crazy scale, these girls saw themselves somewhere circa She's The Man, when it was actually pretty glaringly obvious to all of sober-society that they were actually much closer to Amanda's 2013 Wigs-In-Court Era. It was almost cute what a distorted perception of reality these betches were working with, really.

But after I finished judging them harshly and wondering what the two hot ones were doing hanging out with that third fugly chodette, I started thinking... Sure, these girls were fuckin crazies, and cool normal men obvz don't want to date them cuz they generally come across as the kind of chicks that might snort bath salts and then eat the flesh off your face... But I'm pretty fucking normal... And my friends are pretty fucking normal (except when they're excessively hammered, and then they sometimes turn into soulless demon freaks)... So how come literally every encounter all my normal friends and I have had with the male specimen over the course of the past year has made me say "What a penis, I hope he gets pink eye"? And there it was, right in front of me, the answer to the question I had been asking myself for so long Where the fuck are all the good guys hiding? In the beds of a million psycho bitties. After accepting this as cold hard fact, I took a moment to mentally sort through all the normal, charming, funny, bone-able men I personally know, confirming that each and everyone one of them is, in fact, in a relationship with a fuqqin psycho whore. Like the kind of psycho that you wouldn't leave your child with for 5 minutes, even if your house was burning to the ground and both your arms fell off and you needed to get help fast before your newborn kittens burned alive. For all you simple-minded bitches who are still lost (ugh) let's look at a brief Kardashian Kase Study (love those betches). After all, that family has taught me everything I know about how to succeed in life for the past 9 seasons years. The Kardashians are truly a glowing example of the downright shitty phenomenon I'm describing here. Khloe, chock full of witty sass and arguably the most normal of the litter. Marries Lamar Odom. He winds up being a lunatic who lands himself in rehab making coked out rap videos about her. Kourtney, also relatively sane despite the whiney-dying-rodent she calls a voice. Busy shooting poop-machines out her va-jay-jay with self-titled Lord Disick while he's busy lying, cheating, and refusing to marry her. MEANWHILE, fuckin psychopath-and-a-half Kim is blowin' up the cover of Vogue with her pug-foreheaded hubby, who proposed to her in an epic display of sweet love and affection. This dumb bitch is literally one of the most unstable psycho bitties E! has ever seen (and that's saying a lot), yet she somehow landed the most normal, stable, relationship-capable (lolz, ok, he's still Kanye, I won't get carried karried away) man of the sisters Kardash. Please join me in a resounding, What. The. Fuck. Sadly, I feel like I can really relate to the pain of the reject Kardashians. Because, while all the mentally unstable Kim's in my life are off bumpin' uglies with their obnoxiously normal boyfriends, awesomely cool, sane, generally dateable me is out at local bars being chat-up by little shitheads named Tucker who failed out of ASU and whose entire essence screams "I have herpes." Sad but true, my love life seems to have tragically piqued somewhere around guys I don't really know asking me if I want to "come over and watch a movie" - PSA boys, we're all fully aware of what that means. No. I do not want to "come over and watch a movie" with you. I happen to pride myself on my chlamydia-free nether regions and I'm not just gonna up and drop trou for every Tom, Dick, or Stanley (emphasis on the D) who invites me over to sit side-by-side with him and silently stare at a TV, all as some kind of truly fucked up form of foreplay to prepare for our inevitable boning. ...And if for whatever reason I do just so happen to be feeling lonely and desperate enough to somehow black out and agree to your movie watching shenanigans, for the love of God please do NOT as if I'm down to watch Friends With Benefits because you'e been "really wanting to see that one" (totally speaking generically here...JK, hey Ian! Miss you xoxo) - I understand your fuqqin implication, it came out in like 2011 so you've had more than enough time to check it out by now, and I am fuqqin all around unpleased with your general lack of intelligence and effort...dickface. So while all the crazy betches of the world are off being coddled by their hot, stable, non-schizophrenic male counterparts, I will be here, alone, watching Friends With Benefits, and reminding myself that all those coke snortin' sluts' normal boyfriends probably have tiny penises and bacne. xo

#asshole #boyfriend #goodguys #kardashian