I love PSLs even though they make me obese

Chanel Oberlin, you beautiful twig bitch. I wish I could mock you properly for the Big Bird costumes you wear on the reg, but let’s be real: if I had enough self control to survive on a cotton ball diet and could get away with dressing in a fluffy feather bag that made me look 7 times my size and still look chic af, I would do it in a heartbeat. Unfortunately, the reality is that I would look more like old school Adele dressed up as Boo, the fluffiest fucking dog in the world. So probably not my best game plan.

Sure, you come across as a raging a-hole who abuses her friends, but here’s how I see it. Your list of friends/slaves includes a betch who never takes off her newsies cap, a betch who takes black stereotyping to a whole notha level, a betch who literally starred in a movie about a loser kid and is now a loser semi-adult, a betch who wears ear muffs every fuqqin day which I’m pretty sure is because her actual birth mother is Princess Leia (fact, not opinion), and a betch in a rhinestoned back brace. So, YEAH, sometimes you metaphorically rub dog shit in their eyes, but who wouldn’t with this band of fucks for friends? I cannot name a single person in my life, aside from the Pope—and really that’s even a toss up at this point—who would be friends with these mutts.

I’m assuming the real issue here is that the Kappa slutz were all colicky af babies and their moms shook them a shit ton so now they have a long list of physical and emotional ailments that make them a burden to society…NONE of which is your fault. You basically forklifted them out of their psycho moms’ egg-scrambling arms and brought them to salvation, and how do they repay you? By fucking up left and right. Granted their brains are probably still all mushy from the shaking so their actions are not entirely in their control, but I’ve seen literal chia pets take direction better than these bitches. Like, I’ve literally poured water into a phase 1 chia pet and said “grow now” and little fucking green strings have started spouting out their many tiny ass holes even though the instructions say that it takes 24 hours to see progress. Chia pets are literally smarter than your friends.

So everyone and their shakey mom’s need to chill the fuqq out re: your brutal honesty. Did the sluts of America attack Abe Lincoln a for being honest? No.

**IMPORTANT UPDATE - I forgot about the whole John Wilkes Booth thing. But still. Aside from him. No one.

xo