things i wish i could say to my pregnant Facebook friends
- nofilternofuqqs
- Jan 5, 2016
- 2 min read
There are a few main reasons I know I’m not ready to be a mother. First and foremost, I get excessively hammered at least 3 nights a week, and I’m pretty sure the only thing that much whiskey would kill quicker than my dignity, is a fetus. Second, from what I understand, babies are not on board with Thai delivery. That's a pretty vital part of my life, so it like probably wouldn’t work out between us. The only baby-appropriate food I do know of are those little meat sticks that come in glass jars and look freakishly like tiny penises. And my baby would not be down with eating tiny penises, so she would probably be a really skinny bitch (and who the fuck likes a skinny baby? Gross.)
But the real reason I know I’m not ready to be a mother is thanks to all my lovely pregnant Facebook friends…like you!
Now don’t get me wrong, I love babies. They’re cute as fuck—especially when they're ball-shaped and/or biracial. (No seriously, if your baby is biracial, you can ignore this letter entirely because you are about to bless the world with a beautiful biracial baby and you and your other-raced spouse deserve a fucking tax break for the gift you are about to bestow upon us.)
But back to all you single-raced-baby-carrying-bitches.
When that devil-seed latched on to your egg, did you immediately become this lame? Or is it like for every inch your belly grows you lose an inch in the part of your brain that once made you cool enough to be my friend?
Let’s look at a few brief case studies, starting with the picture you recently posted of your giant naked alien belly…
It. Is. Disgusting.
Like, I get that there is a baby living inside of you, and that's beautiful or whatever, but your huge, veiny, swollen belly is fuggin' nasty. So please do not force me to stare at it and then feel pressured to "like" it along with the rest of the 150 fools who drank the Kool Aid.
Now, I know you weren't always this lame, so I have to assume some crazy shit goes down in pregnant brains that I’m just not fully understanding. Here’s how I imagine it... You’re standing there, taking a mirror-selfie of your weird giant belly, complete with disgusting exploding belly-button. Meanwhile, the cool, non-pregnant portion of your brain that I know and love is screaming “No! You fucking vagina, do not post a status of your w
To everyone else, good luck with that whole child birth thing!
***If you're not a mother, but are thinking of having a baby anytime soon and know you are going to be tempted to post pics of your child's head ripping out of your head sized va-jay-jay and other similar shots, you should seriously consider sterilization. Like, literally, please pick up the phone right now and contact your gyno and let her know that you are on your way to her office and would like her to glove up, reach in your vagina, and hand-remove each and every ovary.
xo
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